Talk is cheap, and cheap talk; expensive

A penny for your thoughts?

They say talk is cheap. But cheap talk, in the form of unreal conversations, is offensively expensive for organisations and individuals.

Every organisation feels it has real conversations with its employees, customers, territory and the unknown future emerging around it, and most people say they prefer hearing the truth, even if it hurts. But, in reality, companies and relationships derail and fail, because people don’t say what they really think, says the author of Fierce Conversations Susan Scott.

You don’t know what people think unless they tell you. Even if they do, there is no guarantee they’re telling you what they really think.

“Many are afraid of the “real,” when it is the “unreal” that should scare them to death .”

Whether it is coming up with a big idea, transforming a company into a great place to work, improving customer-renewal rates, enhancing cross-boundary collaboration, or providing leadership development to improve the organisation’s financial performance – success (or failure) occurs, gradually then suddenly, one conversation at a time.

Scott says the top organisations globally, intent on becoming communications rich workplaces that employ “black-belt” conversationalists, have also found a new and sustainable competitive edge in improving human connectivity by engaging people emotionally.

Business is fundamentally an extended conversation with employees, customers and the unknown emerging future; making relationship-emotional capital the most valuable currency; not money, intelligence or attractiveness.[Adsense_Wide]

Conversations are a leader’s work and the workhorses of organisations. Leaders execute initiatives that deliver results, when they have fierce conversations that:

• Interrogate reality
• Provoke learning
• Tackle tough challenges
• Enrich relationships

Simply put, a fierce conversation is one in which you come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it real.

“Fierce conversations create a new level of authenticity; a new way of communicating who you are, what you believe and what you wish to accomplish, as a person and as a leader. It’s about achieving results – one conversation at a time.”

For many, having a fierce conversation doesn’t sound like fun. The word “fierce” sounds menacing, cruel, threatening, like voices are raised, people are frowning and there is blood on the floor. But, “fierce” also means robust, intense, powerful, strong, passionate, eager, unbridled, uncurbed, untamed.

Scott says, “When you think of a fierce conversation, think passion, integrity, authenticity, collaboration. Think cultural transformation. Think leadership.”

The most successful leaders pay fierce attention to their work and lives by engaging in ongoing, robust conversations with themselves. This results in a high level of personal authenticity, ferocious integrity, emotional honesty and a greater capacity to hold true to their vision and enrol others in it.

“A leader’s job is to engineer epiphanies one fierce conversation at a time. Conversations that reveal we are capable of original thought; intelligent, spirited conversations that provide clarity, and the impetus for change,” says Scott.

“Epiphanies aren’t granted to those who sleep-walk through the manual or pitch self-serving agendas. Instead, epiphanies seek out those who give the purity of their attention to the next words. They engage themselves there, and tell the truth as much as they can.”

“There is something deep within us that responds to those who level with us, and don’t suggest our compromises for us. You may try to say something trivial and find that you can’t do it. You must speak directly to the heart of the issue.”

The CEOs Scott works with become increasingly candid. Their candour gives them a growing sense of personal freedom, vitality and effectiveness.

What is talked about and how it is talked about in a company determine what will happen or won’t happen.

A careful conversation is a failed conversation. “It merely postpones the conversation that wants and needs to take place,” says Scott.

“Don’t linger on the edges. Small confusions, which are easy to clear up, lull you into thinking you’ve addressed the issue comprehensively. Rather, ask: What is the deepest issue in this confusion? Speak toward it, with firmness and concentration.”

The slow and deadly slide to incremental degradation

Studies prove beyond any doubt that we behave emotionally first, rationally second.

In terms of our careers and organisations, one conversation at a time, we accumulate emotional capital by building relationships we enjoy or lose emotional capital by enduring colleagues, bosses, customers and vendors.

Compromising on and lowering the standards about how often you talk, what you talk about and most importantly, the degree of authenticity you bring to your conversations – sets a slow and deadly slide to incremental degradation in motion.

In the meantime, the organisation’s strategy keeps stalling, cross-boundary collaboration isn’t happening and leaders are playing whack-a-mole, while micro-managing people as opposed to leading them. Original thinking is happening elsewhere. Employees have little or no emotional connection to the organisation and its customers, and relationships steadily disintegrate, one failed or missing conversation at a time.

At this juncture, Scott says “most leaders review measurable goals, economic indicators and cash-flow projections.” Obscene amounts of money are thrown at “reviewing basic business processes and procedures, when employees long for a galvanising conversation; just one.”

“Our leverage point, our fulcrum, is whatever conversation in which we are engaged at any given moment in time,” says Scott. “Yet, it is the unusual leader who turns his or her attention to the conversations of the company.”

Pushing our own limits brings exhilaration. Our edge can be a growing edge. Or it can be an edge from which we topple off. The fall won’t kill us. Avoiding the topic could.

“No one has to change, but everyone has to have the conversation. When the conversation is real, the change occurs before the conversation has ended.”

Scott says, “Don’t try to have important conversations via e-mail. The most powerful communications technology any of us will ever have is eye contact. The next is voice. Dead last is words on a page or a screen.”

Leaders accomplish organisational goals by making every conversation as real as possible. Being real is not the risk. The risk is being known, being seen and being changed.

To gather material to have fierce conversations of your own, Scott suggests getting your team together, asking:

• What’s the most important thing we should be talking about today?
• What do we believe is impossible for us to do, that if it were possible, would change everything?
• If nothing changes, what’s likely to happen?

“On a personal-level, there is a conversation out there with your name on it. The one you’ve been avoiding for days, weeks, months, years. Who is it with and what is it about?”

“What  are the conversations you’ve been unwilling to have with your boss, colleague, employee, customer, spouse, parent, child or even yourself, that if you were able to have, might change everything?”

If you are not quite up to tackling that challenge yet, start by listening to yourself like you’ve never listened before.

Start overhearing yourself avoiding the topic, changing the subject, holding back, telling little (and big) lies, being imprecise in your language, being uninteresting – even to yourself.

At least once today, when something inside you says, “This is an opportunity to be fierce,” stop for a moment and take a deep breath. Then, come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it real. Say something that is real for you.

The Fierce Conversations way of life and doing business has changed the lives of those with the courage and desire to put the 7 Principles of Fierce Conversations to work in their daily interactions, which Scott outlines as follows:

Principle 1: Muster the courage to interrogate reality

Everything constantly changes. Not only do we neglect to share this with others, we skilfully mask it, even to ourselves.

Question everything. Too often, folks who are just tired, or who don’t want to risk derision, respond to the “What do you think?” question with “I don’t know.” People start coughing up opinions, when you follow it up with, “If you did know, what would you think?”

Principle 2: Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it real

A Native American word, “moquita” – which means “that which everyone knows of, but nobody speaks of” – can be used to judge the health of a community. The more instances of moquita, the less healthy the community.

While many fear “real,” it is the unreal conversation that should scare us to death. No one has to change, but everyone has to have the conversation.

You will accomplish your goals in large part by making every conversation you have as real as possible. When the conversation is real, the change occurs before the conversation is over.

Lose the masks, be authentic and have conversations that mean something.

Principle 3: Be here, prepared to be nowhere else

Our work, our relationships, and our lives succeed or fail one conversation at a time. While no single conversation is guaranteed to transform a company, a relationship, or a life, any single conversation can.

Speak and listen as if this is the most important conversation you will ever have with this person. It could be. Participate as if it matters. It does.

Principle 4: Tackle your toughest challenge today

Burnout doesn’t occur because we’re solving problems; it occurs because we’ve been trying to solve the same problem over and over.

The problem named is the problem solved. Identify and then confront the real obstacles in your path. Stay current with the people important to your success and happiness. Travel light, agenda-free.

Principle 5: Obey your instincts

Don’t just trust your instincts – obey them. Your radar screen works perfectly. It’s the operator who is in question. An intelligence agent sends you messages every day, all day. Tune in. Pay attention. Share these messages with others.

What we label as illusion is the scent of something real coming closer.

Principle 6: Take responsibility for your emotional wake

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

- Maya Angelou, poet and actress.

For a leader, there is no trivial comment. Something you don’t remember saying may have had a devastating impact on someone who looked to you for guidance and approval.

Consider what you leave behind. Is it afterglow or aftermath? When things don’t go as you planned, when relationships blow up regularly, consider the common denominator: you. Other people may be responsible for their feelings, but we’re all responsible for the context we set for others.

The conversation is not about the relationship; the conversation is the relationship. Learning to deliver the message without the load allows you to speak with clarity, conviction, and compassion.

Principle 7: Let silence do the heavy lifting

When there is a whole lot of talking going on, conversations can be so empty of meaning they crackle. Memorable conversations include breathing space. Slow down the conversation, so that insight can occur in the space between words and you can discover what the conversation really wants and needs to be about.

Insights are found between the words. Most people are very uncomfortable with silence. It’s not easy to pay attention to the still, small voice.

Skillfully applying these principles to your conversations with the people who are important to your success and happiness, will change your world. Your expectations will be clear to others, you will be understood versus interpreted, be free of hidden agendas, and consistently get to ground truths.