Dealing with toxic relationships

13th June, 2009 - Posted by Editor - No Comments

Everyone, at some point in their lives, becomes embroiled in the mess of being involved a toxic relationship. “If you are around a toxic person for too long, your sense of self-worth and your capability greatly diminish. Toxic people can be like vampires, draining your energy – mentally, emotionally and financially. When you are with them your mood turns sour and you simply don’t feel good. And, after an interaction with a toxic person, you feel the need to shower yourself in some positivity,” says leadership and motivation expert Shelley Holmes. She says these types of behaviours are common in relationships that are toxic:

Gossiping and snide remarks about you and other people in your circle
Fault-finding and criticism is the name of the game – everything from the way you clean your office and how much time you spend on things to
Your dental hygiene, your size and your friends
Your thoughts and opinions are discounted
Over-demanding – nothing you do is good enough
Subtle jabs and put downs – you often don’t realize you’ve been put down until you start feeling bad
Unreliability
Jealousy
Neediness. It’s all about them; they don’t take any time to talk about you
Fun made of your ideas, especially in front of others
Blames you for all their problems, rather than taking responsibility for their own choices
Complains about their life and dumps their frustrations on you

When a relationship is toxic, people tend to feel untrusting. For example, if people gossip about others, what are they saying about you when you aren’t around? People also often feel:

• Angry	• Drained	• Judged and inadequate	• Unaccepted
• Ashamed	• Exasperated	• Stifled	• Unequal
• Depleted	• Fearful	• Stressed	• Unrewarded
• Dissatisfied	• Guilty	• Tired	• Unsupported

Toxic people have low self-esteem Holmes says low self-esteem is at the core of most toxic relationships. “Generally, toxic people, who have often been victims of toxic relationships themselves, are filled with fears. They are afraid of:

Not being good enough
Losing control,
Exposing their inner desires and wants.

“When people don’t feel good about themselves they view other people’s successes as a poor reflection upon themselves. They resent other people getting ahead,” says Holmes. So, when another person puts the pressure on them to lift their game (simply by performing at a higher level) toxic people will search for ways to take the pressure off themselves. “More often than not, they do this by belittling other people’s dreams, successes, wins and goals,” she adds.

Ways out of a toxic relationship

Your life is unpleasant when you are around toxic people, but you are the only one who can do anything about it. Holmes offers these tips to neutralise the impact of toxic relationships, and ultimately improve the quality of your life:

Change your perspective

Make a list of the positive aspects of the person. This technique helps you to shift your focus. If all you only focus on their negative aspects, then they will be like this whenever they are around you. Get perspective by working with a neutral person, such as a counsellor, coach, neighbour or co-worker; someone who has no agenda about you and the relationship with the other person. This isn’t about creating a pity party for yourself and/or blaming the other person. It is about asking the other person to help you focus on what is going on, the part you have played and what you are willing to do to move forward. Take responsibility A part of you is allowing the behaviours to happen and continue to happen. Ask yourself:

Why am I allowing this to happen?
What could I be learning from this?

Set boundaries Let the other person know what they can and cannot do around you. If possible, describe quite specifically what the person is doing and what your expectations are for the future. You can even do this with someone who seemingly is in a seemingly more powerful position, like your boss. Keep working on yourself, and improving your mindset and emotional capability.

End the relationship

If nothing changes after you have tried all of the above; then it is time to walk away from the relationship. You may be thinking: “It’s not that easy. I can’t walk away from my X or Y”. If the relationship really is toxic and you have exhausted all avenues of making it healthier; then you need to ask yourself: “What do I value most – financial security or mental, emotional and spiritual health?” “When looking back on your life at the age of 76, you will regret trading your soul for more money. So, have the courage to move; have faith that something better will come to you,” says Holmes. “Your life clock is ticking. Make your life journey a wondrous one by surrounding yourself with uplifting people.”

Article provided by the University of Pretoria’s Gordon Institute of Business Science

How to Achieve Financial Security (cathystucker.com)
7 Ways Your Self Esteem is Holding You Back (crystalsquest.com)
I’ll Give You A Million Dollars… (thesocialreformer.com)

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Tags: Health, Mental health, Money, Motivation, Security, Self-esteem, Self-Help

Posted on: June 13, 2009

Filed under: Business, Relationships, Self Development

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